Advent Calendars are Adult Torture Devices
Excited for Christmas (an excuse to drink, eat too many mince pies, a candy cane or two) you get yourself an advent calendar. Nothing flashy, just a nice bit of choccy every morning (that’s sometimes surprise afternoon chocolate because you forgot about it – probably because of your age), and a gentle daily reminder that the jolly fat man will be down your chimney in no time at all.
Which means that one morning you wake up, make your coffee (& shove a candy cane in it because no one’s the boss of you), open your calendar and realise that you’ve got 9 days left.
It’s around this time you wish you’d bought that alcohol advent calendar after all.
And you can’t just “chuck it in the fuck it bucket” -because it’s Christmas!
There are expectations. Traditions you carefully and lovingly built for yourself. Because that’s what your family did when you were little. And that’s what TV tells you you’re supposed to do.
Chocolate on the tree, a tin of choccies, stocking choccies, choccies as gifts that get eaten before they get wrapped and need re-purchasing. Choccie covered fruit, choccie covered biscuits, chocolate Santa’s shaped like dicks when you take their wrappings off. Mummy isn’t so much kissing Santa as, well …you know
Spiced everything.
Colour co-ordinated wrapping paper that comes in a bundle but is never enough to wrap everything and you end up at the local garage panic buying extra long, but super thin, gaudy wrapping paper because little Timmy’s new gaming monitor is ridiculously huge. And where are you even meant to hide the blasted thing so “Santa can deliver it” when they’re “sleeping” later.
Not to mention that you do Christmas day on about 3 hours sleep
If you’re lucky.
Tradition Tip #1: Early Birds Breakfast tray. For when the kids get up super early; they’ll be temporarily distracted and you’ll get another hour in bed -even if you don’t get to sleep through that hour.
Tradition Tip #2: Don’t start any traditions you aren’t willing to continue EVERY YEAR FOREVER. If it seems like a nice idea, just imagine doing the same thing when they’re 15. Or 32, and bring their own kids, and you can mouth every single word to the delightfully quaint Christmas movie you picked the year they were born.
And as for the Christmas music that’s been playing all month…
Did you know it’s been scientifically proven to be bad for you [if it’s played too early]? It could certainly be bad for the people playing it. Why not try something more low key? Different. Less Merry.
The Candy Cane is not a weapon!
Look, all I’m saying is, you did this to yourself. But it’s not too late. You can make adjustments, there’s still time. If you’re smart about it.
Just take a deep breath, shove another candy cane in your coffee (you need the sugar to keep going), ignore the credit card statement, and get back out there. You can do this!
P.S. You could try the Krampus Christmas movie if you’re determined to have a Christmas movie family tradition.
Horror and Fantasy Author – Also writing as K.T. McQueen. Love Western Horror, cowboy boots, my cactus Collin, & my Demon Cat.
Moths – I hate moths, the way they flutter at your face!
