Christmas Eve Eve | A Message for You

Christmas Eve Eve is often a time of hurtling around trying to get your shit together for the next three days. Have you picked an outfit to wear, did you remember to buy stuffing, have you valeted your car for all those relatives you’ll be ferrying about, is cheese really an acceptable gift?

So today I give you a short message to bring a smile to your face as you stand in line at the supermarket/garage/toy shop – it’s gonna be just fine.

Rules for surviving horror movies Christmas

  • The Turkey is already dead – no need to check it
  • If your house is on or near a cemetery, don’t panic – you already filled your house with numerous pagan symbols to prevent any negative energies from entering (we make no promises about it’s effectiveness against ‘those’ relatives)
  • Remember, don’t run, just hand the monster a bowl of nibbles, glass of wine, or box of choccies and make your way calmly to the kitchen
  • You will never be right back
  • If you look in a mirror and see someone behind you that has vanished when you turn around – check the floor and try to remember how many glasses of wine you saw them drink, it could be important later
  • There will pretty much be normal jingle jangly fun filled happy Christmas music everywhere – except when the TV wants to indicate it’s a dark Christmas drama and plays Carol of the Bells over the advert – so don’t rely on the music to tell you which direction not to go in
  • Your companions uncharacteristic behaviors are what the best boxing day stories are made of
  • The most dangerous items are likely to be legos
  • There’s no chance you’ll be taking off your shirt – those Christmas jumpers come in guesstimate sizes and they’re always one size too tight, you’re going to need to be cut out of it or lose your head
  • Don’t forget to check the backseat of your car – you may have accidentally forgotten a present
  • When all presents are opened, dinner is over, and the telly is on, you may experience a brief moment of calm – this is false calm, the unnecessary, gotta fill the silence, questions about your life choices come next, and your answers are wrong
  • Keep an eye on the animals and children – they are the first to know if more food is about to come out or if someone let off a stinker
  • Don’t open the closed door, no matter what you hear coming from behind it – there are some things you don’t need to see and can’t afford the therapy for
  • You’re unlikely to take a walk by yourself – more than likely someone else will think it’s a jolly good idea and then just about everyone will be going. Just as soon as they’ve found hats, scarves, coats, boots, gloves, tissues, bread for the local ducks, the dogs lead, and convinced the youngest they don’t need to take all of their toys with them
  • Looking under the bed, stairs, in the cupboards, or attic will result in bitter disappointment, your mother is way better at hiding your presents than that

(You can find the rules for surviving horror movies here)

?? Have a great Christmas – we hope to see you on the other side ??

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